Friday, July 6, 2007

The train......

This is about something that happens to all of us. Almost all the time. Its that state of conscious unconsciousness that we drift away into. Yes I'm talking about the train. The train of thought.

Well let me tell you how it started. I was on an overnight train. From Chennai to Bangalore. At 10 p.m we switched off the lights and everyone was supposed to go to sleep. I had another one of my insomnia attacks so there I was on the top berth staring at the roof of the train. And then I got on a slightly different train. I'm not just saying I started thinking. What I'm trying to say is that it was more like a trance. And no I dint sleep off and dream it all.

It started with me reading a text message my friend sent me wishing me a safe journey. I thought about her and the recent breakup she'd been through. Then I thought about the last conversation I'd had with her. Now I don't remember what exactly that conversation was about but it had something to do with food which led me to think about a certain friend of mine who loves train food. Which led me to think about a really nice day I'd had with that friend. Which in turn led me to think about how nervous I was that day. Which went into how nervous I was at that moment about my upcoming exams for which I had not studied at all. This thought turned into another friend who had just finished her exams. She is my friend from school so probably that brought back memories of school...

And so it went on and on like that. Thought after thought with no apparent connection. But all it needed was just one tiny link for me to unconsciously jump into the next thought. And these were not just passing thoughts. Each of them was a distinct memory I didn't even know I remembered. As distinct as practically reliving them. Then suddenly my phone beeped again and brought me back to consciousness . I was shocked when I saw what time it was. I'd spent nearly three and a half hours on the train of thought.

That was when I started seeing a pattern in my way of thinking. There was one particular thought that kept coming back. Once probably every 4 or 5 thoughts. This was something I've been trying consciously not to think about. But there it was popping up every now and then. So somewhere along the line I decided to focus on it and get it over with. And once I did that I was amazed with how I handled it maturely. It suddenly gave me a new sense of direction and showed me exactly I was looking for in life. Sounds a little deep but it is true. I realized how much I'd learned about myself just by being brave enough to revisit that moment. I've always been a bit of a lost soul but not anymore! Now I knew exactly what I wanted and where I wanted to be even though I still dint see any way of getting there.

To cut a long thinking process short what I'm hopelessly trying to convey is that if you feel you need answers, if your feeling lost and confused, just make a little time for yourself. Get on that train of thought and let go. Then think about any recurring thought and focus on it. No matter how much you'd rather avoid it just face yourself and get it over with. You may find the answers your looking for. Trust me in my case these answers weren't even related to what I was thinking of. If you still haven't found your answers you are now at least left with a lighter mind.

THINK about it :)