Saturday, August 21, 2010

The New and Improved List of Work Place Etiquette

Basic courtesy, etiquette, politeness, call it what you may is something we were supposed to be taught when we were little kids. One would think that even if someone dint have a cultured upbringing that person will pick up little hints along the way. Especially, if that person is placed for a prolonged period of time in a cultured environment (for example a multinational corporate). Well think again. Below are some of the widely accepted practices at my work place.

1. If you step on someone's foot. Don’t say sorry. Instead glare at them. It’s their fault their foot was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
2. When you are passing through a heavy door, and you see a person walking in behind you with their hands full, do NOT keep the door open. Instead slam the heavy door in their face.
3. Picture a narrow corridor and three people walking together blocking the way. You are walking behind them and you're in a hurry. Don’t say 'Excuse me'. Instead elbow 2 of the people and squeeze through as they recoil in pain.
4. Elevator etiquette: When you get into a crowded elevator don't stand facing the door like normal people. Instead stand facing everyone and if you are a guy stare inappropriately at the women present.
5. Cubicle etiquette: Now this one's especially handy if your office has crowded cubicles. Lets say you have no useful work to do. Get your phone out, or even better use the office phone, call up some friend/relative/girlfriend/boyfriend and talk as loudly as you can. While you're at it why not talk dirty jokes and highly censored private matter in your native tongue? Now if you assume nobody will understand think again. Although Indian languages are quite different, some are similar enough to be understood by the poor soul in the next cubicle who's trying to get her work done without being nauseated.
6. Queues are for sissies. There's no need to stand in line. Just cut across shoving everyone else and if it’s the lunch queue make sure you spill at least one person's food tray.
7. Do NOT take a shower or brush your teeth when you come to work. It’s a waste of water, soap and time. After all it’s your colleagues who'll suffer so let them!!
8. Finally, eliminate the words 'Sorry', 'Please' and 'Thank you' from your dictionary. Whenever an opportunity presents itself grab what you can like there's no tomorrow.
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